Cornerstone Blog

By Jen Jang

As we continue to talk about the art of listening, we’ll now discuss a few specific skills. To start, here’s a question for you to answer: When you’re listening to someone talk, are you actually listening or are you thinking of what you’re going to say next? This diagnostic question is a good place to start.

In general, we want to be active listeners who are present with the person speaking. What are some ways we can be attentive and present? First, while someone shares we can periodically rephrase what they said. Rephrasing includes giving a concise summary. This serves three purposes: 1) you can check that your understanding is correct, 2) the speaker feels understood, and 3) the speaker can reflect on and hear his/her own thoughts and feelings.

Second, to be active and present listeners, we should avoid jumping to conclusions or incorrectly filling in the blanks based on our own similar experiences. For example, because we have experienced anxiety with academics before, we may assume that we know the reasons someone else experiences anxiety with school. We may have had anxiety with grades, because we desired control, like securing a comfortable future. However, someone else may struggle with anxiety with grades, because they find their identity in being successful. By “copying and pasting” our experiences, we may be listening more to our own stories rather than listening to the speaker’s story. We can miss precious opportunities to know him/her deeper and better.

Third, be prayerful and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide you. As you meet with someone and listen, humbly ask the Spirit to be present and to give you the words to speak. Further, you can begin and end a meet-up by praying with the other person, in which you are acknowledging your reliance on God together. During your conversation, you can also actively and privately pray for the person in your mind. One private prayer that I’ve found helpful is a confession that I cannot change the person but that the Lord can. While you pray, you can lift up the person and give their struggles, suffering, and sin to the Lord. In this way, the burdens are cast upon the rightful throne of the High Priest, not the throne of yourself.

These are just a few strategies to utilize when listening. Now we hope to end on an encouraging rather than instructive note. You and I may not be the best listeners. Even when we have grown in our listening skills, we will still misunderstand people from time to time. But rest assure, that while we may not hear everything someone shares with us, the Lord does. The Psalms are filled with beautiful reminders that the Lord is a listening and knowing God. When someone comes to you with a heavy heart, remember who is listening to their story with you.

“In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ear” (Psalm 18:6).

By Jen Jang

Have you ever considered listening to be an art? Consider if you know some “bad listeners” and “good listeners.” There’s a difference, right? Listening, like an art, involves finesse, work, and your heart. The good news is that we can all become better listeners. Like an introductory art course, this post will review the general method and vision for the art of listening. Although we won’t go over specific listening strategies, we will lay a foundation that will help us better understand and utilize specific strategies later. When our method and goal are correct, then the practical skills of listening will follow.

 First, let’s start with our general method of listening. As Ed Welch says, you want to retell the story of the person you are talking to. What do we mean by “story?” By nature, man is a meaning-maker. We are always interpreting our world and fitting these interpretations into a story. When someone is speaking, we are listening to different pieces of a story that they are weaving together. As we listen, we can ask ourselves how is this person interpreting their situation, themselves, or God? For example, a woman in her late 20’s may have subconsciously labeled herself as a failure throughout her life. So when she finds herself in depression, she may subconsciously use her depression as further evidence for how she is a failure and how God must be disappointed in her. The storyline most likely won’t be laid out clearly, but if you listen for it you will begin to see it more and more. 

Second, our goal in listening is to know and love others. By understanding someone’s story, we are coming to know them more fully. Now how can we also love deeply? We can love deeply by hearing and accepting a person’s story without judgement. We fear being fully known, because we fear being rejected, isolated, judged, and shamed. To deeply love someone, therefore, is to hear their story, know them fully, and still love them with a patient, gentle, and committed love.

In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

By listening well, we are fully knowing someone and truly loving them. By fully knowing someone and truly loving them, we are reflecting the love of God. (We see this love described in Psalm 139!)

 My hope is that you are beginning to see the beauty in the art of listening. Listening is not an inactive, dormant art. It is an active, dynamic avenue through which we can reflect the love of God. God knows us intimately and perfectly. He knows our wounds and weaknesses. He knows our sins and thoughts. Yet, he loves us intimately and perfectly. Our God, who is abounding in love, knows you fully and loves you deeply. Take some time to reflect on how this Holy God fully knows you and loves you truly, so that the next time you meet with someone you can listen with a heart like His.

By Jen Jang